Since the day I was born, I’ve been sarcastic.
I’m sure I told the obstetrician when he smacked my newborn baby’s buttocks, “Hey! At the very least, buy me dinner first!”
Years of dating and eventually marrying someone who could put up with my wit and wisecracks taught me that there are some rules sarcastic women must follow if they want to have a successful relationship that lasts longer than five minutes and doesn’t end with their date sobbing in a bathroom.
Remember that scaring men off isn’t the goal if you’re looking for someone to settle down with.
After all, contrary to popular belief, it is not about changing who you are. It’s about being yourself while allowing someone new to get to know you.
Here are ten dating tips for sarcastic women:
1. Know the fine line between sarcasm and being a b****
Oh, there’s a fine line, and the sarcastic lady is all too willing to cross it. Remember that guys are drawn to women who are independent, opinionated, and funny. They avoid a nagging, cutthroat, ruthless witch. The word “witch” can also be spelled with a “b.” Duh.
2. Don’t be sarcastic too soon into the relationship
It’s best not to express your first impression when you open your door and see your blind date. Assume he’s wearing a hideous orange shirt. Try not to make any pumpkin references. He must have other clothes. Even better? You are welcome to take him shopping. Duh.
3. Learn how to take a compliment
Like most sarcastic people, I have difficulty accepting compliments. If someone compliments my earrings, I usually scoff and go on about how they highlight my large Dumbo-like ears. A simple “thank you” will suffice if your date compliments you. Duh.
4. Know when to turn off the sarcasm
Remember the earring switch on the back of your Jem doll’s neck?
Unfortunately, satire lacks a toggle switch. You must learn to master your “gift” of mockery. If your new date is opening up to you about his father’s problems, don’t yawn and give him Dr. Phil’s email address.
It’s probably a good thing he’s comfortable enough to confide in you. Duh.
5. Be sensitive when telling him your preferences
If your new boyfriend brings home chunky peanut butter instead of creamy Jif, gently correct him. It’s impolite to pretend to crack your tooth on a nut and threaten him with dental bills. And traumatic. Duh.
6. Act excited
If he surprises you with basketball season tickets and you despise basketball, sighing and blowing your bangs out of your face while dryly replying, “Yippee,” isn’t the most polite way to respond. It won’t hurt to be enthusiastic every now and then. Duh.
7. Conceal your hatred
Your relationship is going well, and you recently met his mother. She laughs like a hyena and makes it clear that you are not capable of scooping up her Jack Russell’s faeces. Instead of calling her Mommy Dearest and inserting a steak knife into her eye, smile and politely nod. Duh.
8. Keep the all-caps texts to a minimum
You can make a point without yelling in text messages!
9. Don’t mix sarcasm and emotion
Sardonic characters are often uncomfortable in emotional scenes. It’s not cool to tell him how well you can see his receding hairline while he’s down on one knee with a little black box. Duh.
10. Let him know when you aren’t being sarcastic
You tell so many jokes that it’s difficult for your significant other to tell when you’re not trying to be amusing.
Learn to say, “I’m being serious right now,” when discussing fidelity or other major issues. You never want him to think he has your permission to do body shots on a girl in a leather corset. Duh.
Sarcastic ladies, your sense of humour isn’t for wimps — and that faint-hearted guy isn’t for you either.
That’s fine. Never change who you are or be ashamed of your dry wit. You’ll find someone who values it.
Even better, you’ll find a guy who can match your one-liners. That is truly amazing. Duh.
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